Oy. I'm apparently lazy and a bad blogger. Blegh...

I am in a seriously foul mood this morning. I woke up crummy. Then tried to leave for work but had to run back in the house for my glasses. My car windows were fogged up and while I was able to wipe them fairly clean that didn't stop the sun from screwing up my visibility so that when I finally started to back out of the driveway, the woman who decided to ignore the stop sign and come barrelling around the corner felt it necessary to honk at me. And then there was an accident on the road. And traffic. I ended up late, etc... All in all, I just feel like I'm cranky and frustrated and that nothing today is going to go right for either me or anyone around me.

Ugh. Why did God make me such a screw up?

Okay, so I was checking out Overheard in the Office today and found the following snippet:

Female peon to another: My roommate wants me to do laundry, but I don't know when I can do it. I'm too hung over on Saturday morning, and I have Bible study Sunday morning.

Am I nuts, or is it just sad that not only is someone living a dual life like this but that it's being overheard and posted on the internet (so what if I'm perpetuating this...)? I mean, I don't think that there's anything wrong with drinking per se, but the Bible does specifically say not to get drunk when/if you drink (basically, don't drink enough to give yourself a hangover). It seems to me that this chick is living a hypocrit's lie if she's going out drinking one morning and to Bible Study the next and behaving as if this were completely reasonable behavior. I get that people screw up but she doesn't sound like she thinks she screwed up, in fact, she sounds indignant that anyone would expect her to behave otherwise.

But maybe I'm being too critical and not showing enough grace. I dunno. Maybe my standards should be kept to myself. Lately I've been thinking that I've got a little too much bitterness and judgementality (is that a word?) in my heart. There's a fine line between holding someone accountable–telling them the truth in love, helping them keep out of trouble, doing damage control–and trying to force them into a mold or set of standards. I really felt recently like that had done that to me, that line had been crossed in order to make me what they wanted so that they could get something out of me, and I have since been struggling with acting like I now have the right to do it in return because I'm owed.

I wonder how often we, as humans, set up standards because we want to think we're owed something, or think we're owed something because of the standards we set. We don't like to think about what we owe to others. And sometimes, when we give someone what they're owed, we think they now owe us something in return. But I wonder how much sense that makes if the other person was truly owed what we gave them in the first place.

This past Sunday I was asked to read aloud during the service a passage from Romans 13 (verses 7-10). It got me thinking about what I owe. I admit that figuring it out wasn't as easy as I thought it should be. What a person is actually owed is not often the same as what they think they are owed. I know that I often think I am owed more than I actually am; for instance, this struggle with feeling I have the right to be bitter. Nobody owes me the words and actions that will enable me to revel in my hurt, nor am I owed the groveling and begging and pain of anyone else–the revenge–that I seem to think will make me feel better. Sometimes what I am actually owed is a good lecture, a painful dose of truth, some unwanted consequences, and in some extreme cases to be cut off (from the relationship or the source of temptation). No one ever owes me grace. If they did, it wouldn't be grace.

Today I looked up the context of that Sunday passage to see if I could clear things up at all (italics are for emphasis on what stood out to me):

Romans 13:1-14
Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

When I read this, I first thought: How often do I mistake myself as the authority instead of being under it? How often have I judged what those above me have done and deemed it not good enough; deemed it as an excuse not to listen to them when they give me something I don't want to hear? How often have I used them for the help they can give when times are rough and then brushed them off (rebeled) the moment life is where I think I want it?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should follow blindly. Authorities are not an excuse to not think for ourselves, or hold ourselves accountable. Manipulating the authorities–hiding and twisting the evidence in order to convince the them to judge in our favor–is just as much rebellion as an out and out direct disobedience. We may think we're getting away with something, or that we have validated and justified ourselves and our stance, but the truth is that in the end we shall be judged for our rebellion. We haven't gotten away with anything. We think, by fooling the authorities, we have proved we are right and that we have gotten what we are "owed"; but we are really more in debt than ever.

I'm sounding a little doom and gloom now, I know. From reading this you would think that by my world view we are all a bunch of irredeemable selfish pigs.

Um... well, we are. But it's not as hopeless as all that. You see, it's at the end of the passage, in the call for us to "wake up" and see ourselves for what we are and fix it in the short time we have left, that we catch a glimpse of the solution: we can "put aside the deeds of darkness" and "clothe [ourselves] with the Lord Jesus Christ". That's not just an exortation, it's not just an instruction of what we need to do, it's a promise. It's a promise that it's possible, with the right help, to be who we need to be, to be who we were meant to be, and to love each other with a beautiful and obedient unselfishness that gives respect where respect is due and loves so deeply that it owes no one anything beyond what has already been given.

I've really turned over a new leaf this year so far. It's the weirdest thing. I've got my Quiet Time on a roll, I've got my room on a roll toward being progressively cleaner every day, I've been helping around the house more (mostly dishes and collecting trash), I've stuck to my New Year's res to cut french fries from my lunchtime diet. I've worked hard to make sure my relationships are all clear, that I've done right by the people in my life as far as is possible by me; I've been hard at re-examining myself and making sure that I'm not indulging in "plastic fork" syndrome where the source and delivery becomes an excuse not to hear what I don't like; I've been working at cutting down my time on the Internet that is wasteful (you know what I'm talking about, that time I spend just refreshing my email and checking my visitor stats over and over, or clicking on random links to random sites that serve no edifying purpose), instead making that time count or closing the browser and moving on to something more productive. I've been rediscovering my old stories, thinking about rewriting those, and reading more books; I've been throwing away junk and discarding the old things in my life that serve a purpose opposite to edifying me and those around me, and to that end I've been asking God to show me the ways in which I lie to myself so that I can continue in sin. I've been thinking long and hard about a lot of things and I've been surprised to find that far from being overwhelmed by how horrible a sinner I am (as I fully expected to be), I'm finding myself humbled in a way that is joyful and encouraging and calls me onward in the direction I'm going with an ever-lightening load. This is a good place to be. This is a joyful place to be. And I am so blessed to be here.

In other news, I've just realized today that when I write I usually go straight to typing on the computer. Very rarely do I write by hand with pen and paper any more, and when I do it is usually because I am being deeply philosophical, am extremely angry, or both. Basically, if you ever receive a handwritten letter from me, you better pray that I don't have a bone to pick with you because if I do that letter is going to be like a fist in the gut. Every word of it will most definitely be as true as possible, but it will be seriously painful. Handwritten letters mean I'm not allowing you to get away with anything and that I've somehow reached a point where I feel I've got no other option. If I talk to you face to face, I'm letting you off easy. And that's not a joke. If you're there in front of me, it's harder for me to stick to my guns and not cave to your will no matter how much it goes against my convictions. Now you know the secret to getting what you want from me. Try not to use that knowledge against me...

So, for those of you who were left hanging on the whole Dip Week thing... I gave up reporting on the goings on of Dip Week as it rapidly became a full out dip free-for-all, every dip for itself, no rules, and a chili-cheese sudden death round. There were ranch dips, French dips, cucumber feta dips, chili-cheese, cream cheese, and somewhere thrown in were hotdogs which aren't even a dip yet were gleefully taking advantage of the chaos. Yeah. It was a hairy situation. But things have settled down now and we're on to the Valentine's celebratory Sweet Week where every day features a new dessert. So far we've had Not Your Grandmother's Banana Pudding (soooooo good), Apple Pecan cake, Pineapple shaped cookies, and chocolate cake served with milk. I love my workplace.

Hold onto your breeches readers, because they might run away with the excitement we've got today over our double-header! That's right, folks, four dips today in competition to be crowned top dip.

First up: Artichoke Crab vs Spinach
The Artichoke Crab is playing a decent game, starting out with some nice flavors that definitely benefit from being freshly warmed. Unfortunately, it lost some fan support to some shellfish allergies.

Against Team Artichoke Crab, we've got the Spinach Dippers; their flavor may be more subtle, but their consistency is great for crackers. It's hard to get around a defense like that.

Next up: Green Onion Vegetable Dip vs Cool Whip and Fruit
The Green Onion Vegetable has started out strong, being a nice cool temperature and paired with Sour Cream & Cheddar potato chips.

But the Fruit and dip is making a strong comeback post lunch being not just straight cool-whip but Cool Whip mixed with raspberry yogurt... all of it fat free. I think there might be a tie on this one...

Hello, readers! It's "Dip Week" here at my offices, where daily this week we will be having two dips going head to head in a "super bowl" of a showdown. Today's teams: White Pizza Dip vs Traditional Chips'n'Salsa.

Team White Pizza Dip has started the game strong with a cheesey melty mix—featuring surprise slices of pepporini—and two kinds of bread for dipping plus, woah, what's this?! Garlic pita chips for some extra zest! The White Pizza Dip has definitely brought in their top game today.

As for the Traditional Chips'n'Salsa team... well, they failed to even show up (shame on their manager for forgetting the time and place of the game; no excuses!).

People, I think we have a forfeit... White Pizza Dip wins!

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting game for Dip Week!

So this morning I was running around in the house in a frantic state looking for my jacket, only to discover that the reason I couldn't find it in any of my usual spots was that I had actually hung it up in my closet the night before while cleaning... Imagine that...

Also this extremely rainy morning, as I was tromping about the house looking for my "missing" coat, I realized that I had left my umbrella out on the back patio where all the spiders live. I was just planning out how I was going to maneuvre opening the umbrella without a surprise spider dive-bombing my head when I rather unwittingly walked right into a string of web from a spider surprise rappelling from the hallway ceiling. The resulting moment of irony and disgust led to this conversation between me and God:

Me: Ha, ha! Very funny. I can feel you laughing. Who said you cuold benefit from my misery?
God: You're telling me you haven't benefitted from mine?
Me: ... Dang it!

Me and God have an interesting dynamic sometimes. Some good natured teasing. A lot of laughing at my expense. That I occasionally try to challenge to no avail. No matter how hard I try, He always wins. And He somehow manages to make me laugh at me too.

I don't know why, but I just haven't been in a very bloggy mood lately. I feel like everything I have worth talking about lately, I've totally run into the ground. I need a change of subject but I don't have any subjects to change to that really strike my fancy.

Okay, that's not entirely true. Recently, I was just thinking that when I pick a cheesy HK action flick to watch I always know it's going to be good if Stephen Fung is in it. Wait. Let me rephrase that: I know it's going to entertain me if Stephen Fung is in it. The script will probably be utterly preposterous and badly written, but I'm going to undoubtedly marvel at the action sequences and guffaw out loud at Mr Fung's reactions to the ridiculousness taking place. For instance, in the movie "House of Fury" (with Anthony Wong and Charlene Choi too!) whenever his character's sister does something totally unrealistic and hilariously weird, he very matter-of-factly turns to his siter's boyfriend and simply says "Dump her." Yep. Cracked me up. And in the movie "Avenging Fist", he unintentionally made me laugh when every time that Leehom Wang overacted, Stephen got proportionally more subtle and deadpan. I don't know why that amused me, but it did.

Anyway, this got me thinking about my favorite action peeps and I ended up with the following formula for the perfect action/adventure/comedy/martial arts madness:

1. Stephen Fung as the main character who uses his uber cool martial arts moves during the course of the film
2. Nic Tse as the main character's bff, fighting alongside Stephen
3. Anthony Wong as some humorous side character who should be keeping the youngins out of trouble but always seems to be getting into the most trouble himself
4. Gillian Chung as a sister or love interest who rocks in martial arts
5. Charlene Choi as a sister, etc.
6. Andy On as the bad guy's minion with a conscience who helps our heroes Stephen and Nic and probably loses his life in the process in some great moment of sacrifice that almost makes me cry
7. Philip Ng as a bad guy minion who runs around indiscriminately kicking people in the face
8. A two minute Jackie Chan cameo (have Chris Tucker with him and I think I might become incontinent with laughter)
9. Some scene in a club where the ridiculously observant viewer will notice Vanness Wu dancing in the background

Yep. I'm pretty sure that would be one seriously entertaining movie. I don't even need to know the plot, so long as the script is average quality or better, I'll watch that and love it.

Today I read that if we are truly honest with ourselves we will recognize that "there will always be something that needs cutting back; for whatever progress you may make while you are still in the body, you are mistaken if you think your faults are dead, rather than merely repressed." (Apparently said by Bernard of Clairvaux, though someone sent it to me in an email so I really wouldn't know, but anyway...) The moment I read that line, I was pressed with the question "what do I need to cut back?" But before I could really answer that in a deep way, I found myself skittering away and distracting myself with little things I need to change. Little habits that affect my life but aren't the kind of sacrifice that will have an immediate and noticeable effect.

It was like I felt myself come near something very big and dangerous and instantly veered off course in a bout of self-preservation. Cutting the big things is scary. Cutting the things that I've convinced myself define me is even scarier. Whatever it is, I don't want to give it up. I can tell that it will break my heart.

And the thing is, I don't want to ask anyone else what they think it is; only I can really know what God wants for me and I have already experienced many moments in my life where another's cultural preference or norm was mistakenly given the weight of law. I don't want to just fit in. Sometimes I don't even want to fit in at all. I just want to be exactly what God created me to be: a unique puzzle piece in the beautiful portrait of His plan. He has a purpose for me, and a timing for how He wants that purpose to unfold.

So maybe I'm not seeing this thing right now because it's not God's timing. Or maybe I'm just blinding myself and rationalizing because it scares me. What matters for now, though, is that every day I give a little more of that fear to Him, that I let go of my will to remain blind and replace it with another layer of confidence in Him and me, so that one day I will feel it when He gives me the courage to see myself as I am. And when someone else observes a deadened piece of me that must be cut, I will be brave enough to do just that without brushing off their comments as ignorance or a play for power and control. And when someone wants to cut from me the very thing God has worked to grow and glorify Him, I will be able stand my ground, conforming to no other will except God's alone.

I'm a terrible secret keeper. I know this about myself. In fact, I'm such a bad secret keeper that I expect everyone else knows it too. And yet, people still like to tell me confidential things... I can't quite figure out why this is. My theory is that it has something to do with the fact that I listen. And the longer I just sit and listen, the more people tell me. It's a strange but interesting phenomenon. It reminds me of Momo by Michael Ende (I checked it out from the Library and am only half finished with it, but it's great so far). In that story, the title character is a little girl who listens. She doesn't say much or give an opinion/advice or even throw in the occasional "uh-huh, yeah"; she just listens. And whoever is speaking to her begins to have clarity for themselves, they suddenly perceive the solution to their problems or reach a peace about the problem that can't be solved. They overcome the block on their creativity and comprehend the deep philosophical revelation that was flittering just outside their reach. They experience deep thoughts and light happy ones, and all around feel relieved by the time they finish unloading what's on their minds.

I'm not Momo. My talent for listening is not so thorough or universally effective. But if there's one thing I've been able to determine for sure is that you don't have to be Momo 24/7 to witness a great epiphany or help solve a problem without saying a word; all you have to do is listen at the right time. It's funny, but once you listen right, that shared moment can connect you in a way that will surprise you. Listening builds trust.

But there is an additional and rather major difference between me and Momo: not only does she keep her mouth shut while listening, she rarely feels compelled to repeat what she's heard to another. Me? Well, basically, the moment I find someone who doesn't want to talk but wants to listen, it's like everything I've never said comes tumbling out. And I've got a lot in there to tell, because, well, I've been listening. And, on top of that, I'm a story teller. And the thing about really, truly listening to someone means that I'm thinking about what they tell me, so now I have all these thoughts and revelations that I want to share too. Sometimes, if I don't find the right person to listen, I post it in a blog instead.

On top of that, I can't always tell what people don't want spread around, I mean, they told me about it after all. And I have a lousy short-term memory and tend to actually forget what's confidential and what's not. And yet, I'm listening, so people keep telling me stuff.

Anyway, the point is, I'm a great listener. But I'm a terrible secret keeper. That's a bad combo. Fortunately for everyone I listen to, not many people are quirky enough (or maybe that should be "cool" enough?) to sit and listen to me.

I guess that makes it ironic that I'm often known for not sharing about myself and my struggles... Trust me, it's for the best.

So after my long Holiday induced absence, the following is what I choose to return to my blog with: Dad Wants $20K, Says Lesbian Book Disturbed Teens

But seriously? When I read this article, I was so appalled on so many levels that I had to get it off my chest. I mean, lets look at this analytically. This father claims that the library is responsible for his sons reading a book entitled "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book", which truamatized his boys into many sleepless nights. Really? The library is responsible? You don't think that maybe the sleepless nights are the result of the guilty conscience of teenage boys reading something that they knew they weren't supposed to? The dad claims that his sons were innocently browsing the library for stuff about military academies. Oh, come on. Either that lesbian book was grieviously misshelved, or his sons were not browsing for military material as they claimed. Not to mention the lack of reading comprehension they would have to have in order to pick up something called the "Lesbian Sex Book" and think it was about military academies. They sought this book out. And now the city is supposed to pay them for their own bad decision?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one way or the other whether this book should be housed on the public library shelves. I know that I wouldn't read it and I wouldn't want my kids reading it. But if I had any kids who failed to heed my warning and read it anyway, I would sincerely consider their sleepless nights their own just punishment. The city cannot be held culpable for the fact that these boys hunted down temptation and caved to it, assuming the book was in it's proper place, far away from the military subject matter (well, maybe it was properly shelved and "lesbian" just made it close to "military" because of "LM" in the alphabet, but I refer back to my comment about reading comprehension). And, honestly, while I'd be a much happier person if there were less of these temptations so readily available to begin with anywhere, no one held a gun to these boys' heads and forced them to read. It wasn't a poster spread over the bookshelves, or a banner on an Internet website, or even a TV or radio ad. It was a closed book that they had to make the conscious decision to pick up and open.

I'm also a little disturbed that a man (the father) who was so obviously just trying to get money (really, he should have been making his sons pay the city, not the other way around) would claim his faith as guiding him. Maybe he suceeded in something good by getting the book off the shelves and replaced with something less tempting to teenage boys (though, let's face it, anything with "lesbian sex" in the title is going to pique the interest of a hormone driven teenage boy), but I'm just sad that he had to make himself and many other Christians look so ridiculous and unreasonable doing it. Not to mention, failing to hold his own sons responsible for their behavior.

Alright. I think I've said enough for now.